Today, On General Hospital
by thewretchedchild
Summary: Just me mocking the show again. Should (i pray) amuse you. Short, Useless Update. PG-13 for later safety. Review or face my wrath. )
1. Default Chapter

Here's some more humor for y'all. Once again, it's not kind, so beware. No Liason yet, but you never know. Theoretically, this will be updated every time my annoyance level hits a high, but not on a set timetable. I'll be moving events and time at will, but it's all more or less the same as the show, and if it's not, I'll try to make the changes clear within the text.

DISCLAIMER: If I owned this show, I wouldn't need to write these stories: see how that works?

As ever, I need reviews to confirm that you like stuff well enough to want more. = ) And a big thank you for all the reviews I've already had. I really really really love them! So thank you again. Enjoy:

Today, on General Hospital

The message was ambiguous, but Sonny did his best. "Outlook is positive." He said, putting the magic eight ball down. "It's clear that I'm right, the ball says so.

Carly consulted the cue card in front of her. "I hate you Sonny!" But then she noticed the date. "Oh, sorry," she giggled with embarrassment. "That's this mornings!" She flipped through the little stack of green index paper. "Here it is. I love you Sonny! Please, you have to rest, so your wounds don't re-open." She scowled at him. "You should know this! You've already been shot seven times this year.

"I know, Carly, but I have to return to Port Charles, because it's safer there, with the police that hate me, Faith, Alcazar and the business, than it is here, at the convent." He batted his big brown eyes at her, hoping to convince her to come along without any further argument.

Carly was suspicious. "Is that the only reason you're in such a hurry to leave?

He flashed a dimple. Clearly his eyes weren't doing the trick. "Of course! What other reason could there be?" Then he cursed. "Sorry!

"No, it's okay. I'm getting better at the math anyway. Do you have a graphing calculator?" She sat down at the table, pulling out a ruler, a compass and some pencils, having learned the hard way not to use pens.

"Yeah, I've been carrying one in my pocket these days. Someday I'll remember not to ask that question, and then we can avoid this whole mess." He pulled out the calculator, and they both consulted a giant book, the cover emblazoned with the words, "TOP SECRET.

Carly spoke aloud as they worked, both to confirm the process and double-check their work. "Okay, so today in June 4th, so that means, page.. 782,497.

"I checked the thermometer earlier, and it's 20 degree's Celsius." Sonny informed her.

"Okay, so the planets rotation, divided by the date, plus the temperature-" They marked their papers, and Sonny punched numbers into the calculator. "Did you check to see how many eggs are in the building?" Carly asked him.

"I think the nun said 63." Sonny said distractedly, busily formulating a graph.

"Alright, so 63, times the square root of the number of, " she checked the book, "YOUR children.. Well how can I do that?" She yelled at the book, "that number increases exponentially- I'm not even supposed to KNOW how many children he has.

Sonny looked over the code, then said reassuringly, "No, look, you can also use cosign plus wavelength.

"Oh, you're right. Thanks. What answer did you get for part 17?

"Yellow.

"Thank you.. So, yellow plus cosign plus wavelength, equals the left side of the triangle.." There was a long silence as they both worked. "I have the word ÔMIMOSA',

"Me too." Sonny confirmed.

"Okay, so using the standard letter switch, we have ÔOROMHZ' and if we plug that back into the triangle and add the redux letter values of ÔFRISBEE'.. then the other reason you might want to return to Port Charles is.." They made notations on their index cards, then packed up all their supplies, and stood up.

Sonny brushed some lint off his pants, and asked, "you ready?

"Yup, you?" He nodded, and Carly yelled, "You just want to return to check on your mistress!

O O O

Jason stared at Sam. "You did what?

"I lied, I'm still preggers. I just wanted you and Sonny to stop pestering me with all your unreasonable demands, like: "eat well," and "let us take care of you." So I made you feel unbearably guilty at the thought that I had lost my baby. But now I feel vague twinges and I've got to get to a hospital immediately. It's so hard to be me.

"Not as hard as it is to be me," Jason stated. "After all, I have to get married to a beautiful woman, take care of her baby, which will see me as a father, just like I wanted, and earn the gratitude of Sonny. That is, until I inevitably fall in love with you, ruin my friendship with Sonny, and lose another son to him. Afterwards, we shall all be bitter and hurt, sure we don't want to love again, until someone gets shot at or bombed, and we'll realize how precious life is, for a week or so." He paused. "Wow, do you think I might be psychic or something?" Sam licked her lips. "See, I intuitively know you're thirsty, here, have some water.

"I'll get it!" She snapped. "Damn it Jason! I am an independent woman who needs no man to help her! Fine, give me water, but it doesn't mean I need you- oh, could I have a lemon in it- because I don't. I'm self-sufficient, and I can take care of myself- ice, Jason, ice, and a little umbrella. So don't get used to having me around, cause I could leave at any minute.

Jason handed Sam her water, which looked more like a tropical drink. "Sure Sam. Whatever. Listen, I'm going to go to the bathroom, and/or make a business phone call. I'll be back.

As the door closed behind him he heard Sam call out, " No. Jason, don't leeeeeaaaavvvvvveeee me!

But he ignored it. Pulling out his cell phone (despite the fact that it was a hospital, and it might interfere with important processes, and there were signs everywhere saying, "no cell phones,") he punched in Emily's number.

"Hello?" His sister answered.

"It's Jason, how are you today?" He asked.

"I'm fine. It's the weirdest thing. I keep seeing this man who reminds me of Nikolas." Her voice quavered. Jason pinched the bridge of his nose, praying she wasn't about to start going on about their undying love again. As far as he was concerned, it wasn't undying. Nikolas was dead, wasn't he? But maybe he was being too literal again. "It's just," she went on, "that our love was undying, eternal, forever, immortal, passionate, etc, etc, etc, and I cannot believe he is dead. Not when I still feel him.

"Say, Emily, I have to go.. um.. sacrifice myself on the alter of Michael. I'll call you later, okay?

"Sure Jason. Weep to you then." They hung up. Emily craned her neck around the corner, watching the man who reminded her of Nikolas. He stood in plain sight, with the same build as her fiancZe, the same hair, the same profile. There was a giant, pulsating, pink sign above him saying "NIKOLAS!" and a flashing green arrow pointed to the man's head. "Hmmm.." She said, "I wonder why he reminds me so much of Nikolas. "OH!" she remembered, "I'm baking brownies, and they might burn! I have to rush of and get them from the oven." She briefly pondered whether solving the mystery of whether or not this was her presumed dead love, or fetching baked goods was more important, but knew in her heart she could not let the brownies get crispy.

As Emily left, Mary coincidentally arrived. Looping arms with ÔConner,' she marveled how this man, who looked so much like her dead husband had come into her life. Clearly he wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box, but he was sweet, and she had decided to keep him. Conner dropped a kiss on her cheek. Boy did he love Mary. So kind, so thoughtful, so honest. Every time it turned out she had been keeping something from him, she came right out and told the truth. Like when she had told him that they were a blissfully happy couple, but then confessed that, in fact, he may have learned to speak Spanish fluently without telling her. That took guts. And how everything they had owned together had been burned in a fire. Or something. It was a good thing he had a wife who knew better than to take him into the hospital when he had a bleeding head wound, because he was a deserter and all. Who the army thought was dead. But he couldn't travel because they might see him. He sighed and looked at her lovingly.

Alcazar strolled up, "Hey, you crazy kids." He chuckled to himself. Crazy indeed. He was so glad that he got to be a pivotal plot point in their little tale, since stalking Carly wasn't going anywhere, and his niece had vanished (he was sure she was fine). Keeping Mary's secret for no apparent reason sure was satisfying. After they exchanged small talk, Alcazar continued walking along the docks. He came across Faith, who was filing her nails.

"Oh good" she said, seeing him. "I was about to come find you.

"What can I do for you Faith?

"Well, it's been nearly three hours since we talked last, and I needed to make more ineffectual, pointless threats. I have a schedule to keep you know. If you don't do as I ask, I will find you and make more threats. And that's not a threat, it's a promise.

Alcazar looked scared. "What is it you want, Faith?

"Don't you know?" She said, angrily.

"No.

"Oh." She thought for a minute, confusion etched at her brow. "See, I was hoping you had written it down. Uh," she fumbled through her purse, speaking under her breath. "I'm sure it's in here somewhere..

"Look Faith, why don't you tell me at our next session." He glanced at his watch, "Is three pm good for you?

She sighed with relief. "That'll be fine. I'll see you then." She sat down and started filing her nails again. It was another hour before she had to go threaten Jason, and she might as well have pretty hands when she went to the hospital. In case she ran into Justus- the legal guy. She thought they were having a thing. But she wasn't sure.

As she sat there, Courtney's voice floated down from Kelly's. Faith shuddered. Now there was a piece of work.

"Jax!" Courtney tittered, "I'm not going to sleep with you, you big hunk of Australian man!

"But why not?" He fluttered his eyelashes at her, "I'm a big hunk of Australian man! How can you resist me?

"For my morals! I'm still in love with Jason, after all." A single tear ran from her eye, and a violin played mournfully in the background.

"Your morals?" Jax was perplexed.

"Yes, Jax, my morals. I'm a very moral person you know. I'm written that way. I've even started a charity with my newfound wealth. For the orphans. Since I care so deeply. I'm stunned that there seems to be such a strong public perception of me being connected to the mob though. I don't know where they get that from." Her pretty eyes sparkled as light bounced off the back wall of her skull.

"How bout I lend my name to your charity, to lend it credibility? I'm sure the fall I took for my brother for money laundering wont be an issue." Jax offered, as he winked at his reflection in the window of Kelly's, and flashed his trademark smile.

She nearly swooned with delight. ÔOh would you, Jax? The orphans would be so grateful!

"Sure. I'll even donate money to the cause. Ten MILLION dollars.. If you can resist the INCREDABLE urge not to screw me for three months." He raised an eyebrow diabolically.

"But Jax! How cruel. You know I'll never be able to resist you for so LONG. I mean, Ten Million Dollars (TMD) is a lot of money, but the chance to sleep with you.. It's just too hard. Even though I know that the needy little orphans in grave need of TMD, and TMD could help so many, I know sex with you would completely be worth TMD! Oh the dilemma, the cruel, cruel dilemma!

"Champagne?" He asked, whisking a bottle out of some shrubbery.

Next Time, On General Hospital

See Sonny and Carly fight to decipher more of the Code, and figure out how they feel!

Will Emily find Nikolas? Will he remember his murderous past, heavy debt load, familial obligation and return to her?

Could Sam and Jason be more annoying together? Watch and find out!


	2. Chapter Two

Here you are, another round of vicious mocking. Some of this stuff was written before the last weeks, so it may be a little out of date (though obviously, time is being completely toyed with anyway). And once again, let me just reiterate that I like, even love some of these characters, whom I mock. So if you love them, try not to take offense, it's all in fun. Even Sage and Courtney, who we all know I'm not fond of are not the subject (this time) of my rage, but just the victims of what I feel are insufferable plot devices. This is even true for the partnership of Sam and Jason (which I (personally) vehemently loath, hate, and despise to the point of nausea). So for the Sam-Jason fan who didn't like the scene, I want to you know, it was (I SWEAR) nothing personal, and I mean that honestly. Yeah, so, anyway, um, enjoy the story, heh heh, well, ahem, goodbye then, heh..

Today, On General Hospital

Georgie was sitting on a bench in the park when Sage walked by. She jumped up and stepped in front of the girl. Despite the fact that the bitch had thrown herself at Georgie's boyfriend more times than she could count, and had posted pictures on the web of what looked like Georgie's naked body, and was generally unpleasant, well golly, she still felt just awful for having caused a ladder to fall near Sage, leading her to sprain her voice from screaming like some sort of ninny.

"Sage. I'm just so gosh darn sorry for what I did. I could not feel guiltier." Georgie crossed her fingers behind her back. Sure she felt bad, but she was sure she could feel worse.

Sage flipped her hair over her shoulder; her voice came out sounding like a frog. "Damnit Georgie. I'll never forgive you. I'll have my revenge if it's the last thing I do."

"No wait, look, I got you a card!" Georgie pulled the envelope out of her backpack. Sage reluctantly took it, tearing open the wrap and pulling out the glittery card. Just then, the sun came out from behind a cloud and hit the glitter, causing a flash of light.

"OHHHH!" Sage screamed in her froggy voice. "My eyes! You've BLINDED me. The glitter blinded meeeeeeee." Sage fell to her knees sobbing. Georgie quickly summoned an ambulance, and they were rushed to GH. When they got there, Tony Jones, one of the four doctors at GH, treated her.

"It's tragic. The light hitting the glitter has blinded Sage. God only knows if she'll ever see again." His voice was sorrowful. "Well Georgie. I hope you're pleased with yourself. Destroying such a promising art career." She looked up at him, confused. "Yes, didn't you know? Just yesterday, shortly after her singing talent was discovered, the British Gallery called and said they had a feeling she would be a great painter, and she.. was." Georgie bowed her head in shame. "Well, I have to go see all the other patients. I can't wait for next month, when Emily finishes medical school, and then there will be five doctors here." His eyes shown at the thought of his first day off in four years. As he turned the corner, he ran into Bobbie, standing in the corridor, looking confused. "Bobbie? How are you doing?"

She turned to him, her face a study of desperation and fear. "Tony! Thank god! Something is wrong with me! I'm here, but then I'm not, and when I come back, months have passed, and no one seems to have noticed I'm gone! You have to help m-"

"Bobbie?" Tony was briefly confused, but then shrugged his shoulders. Oh well, she had probably gone to the cafeteria or something. Maybe Lucas was there too.

O O O

Felicia stood in front of the dryer, waiting for the bell to ding and tell her it was done. Her life was like a gentle dream. Since she had come back from Texas, she had cleaned the house 407 times, made dinner every night, as well as all the other meals. Taken care of Mac, and occasionally gone to Kelly's, to be on hand to admonish her daughters and provide a moral compass. It was so restful, not having an exciting life, where one did outlandish things like interact with non-family members, or have a job. Just the other day she had had to scold Dillon, and it had left her wrung out.

DING

She smiled, taking the laundry out. Now for her favorite part: starching. She was carrying the basket into the kitchen when Mac came down from upstairs. She looked at him with surprise. After all, the girls were out, so he couldn't have come down to forbid them to date. Felicia took a moment to admire his gorgeous face. Thank god it hadn't scarred, it would have been such a waste. Sure it might have provided the family with emotional scenes, revealing personal issues and growth as people, but what was all that next to him being pretty? "Is something wrong, Mac?" She asked.

"No." He shook his head. "I just.. didn't I used to.. I don't know.. have a job? Or something?"

Felicia was perplexed. "I don't think so. I know I don't, so I'm sure you don't either. We're just background details for Georgie now."

"Oh!" His face cleared. "Well that's a relief. I was worried for a minute there." He turned and went back upstairs to wait for Georgie to come home, so he could yell at her, or dispense sage advice, depending.

O O O

Emily blinked when she realized that she had been magically transported to a Caribbean island. Wow. She stepped out of her hotel room to gaze at the stars, and think about her one true love, lost in a hotel fire.. wait no.. oh, right, in a mysterious car accident. She mentally rolled her eyes at herself for getting Nikolas' apparent death and actual death mixed up. She assumed it was a side effect of the chemo, that she had memory lapses rather than loss of hair.

Hearing a noise, she looked over, and was stunned to see Nikolas standing on the balcony next to her. Her jaw dropped when Mary came out and embraced him. She blushed, muttering, "Jeez, get a room," as the kissed deepened in an intense fashion. Instead of screaming, "Nikolas!" or calling the police, or telling Lucky, Emily knew that she should lurk on the beach until Nik went for a post-coital walk, as he inevitably would.

O O O

After her unsatisfactory conversation with "Conner," Emily was stunned. Why, he had no recollection of her at all! As far as he was concerned, she was that nice pal of Mary's. She tossed her hair. How could he forget their love? The fact that he was a prince? That his mother might as well be dead? That his grandmother was a psychopathic freak? That he was in an enormous amount of debt? How he had almost died in a fire and that she had accidentally left him for dead in the ruins? That horrible pirate storyline? Weren't these things etched into his still beating heart? Overcome with confusion and sorrow, she blinked, and knocked on Jason's door.

"Emily?" Her brother looked confused. "I thought you were in the Caribbean."

"I was, but I needed to get back and advance the plot immediately, so I came home via Magic Carpet Express." She pushed into the apartment.

"You know, now is actually not the best-"

She cut him off, "I saw Nikolas!"

Jason edged towards the door. Sadness washed over him as he realized that her long exposure to the Quartermaines' had finally manifested in insanity. "Did you now?"

"Yes! I saw him in the Caribbean, with the woman who claimed to be my friend, and he has amnesia!"

Jason relaxed, relieved to realize there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for Nikolas' apparent death. He hugged her sympathetically and they sat on the couch. She looked at him and asked, "Jason, what if, one day, someone told YOU that you had a whole life you didn't know about, a whole family who loved you that you couldn't remember? A fiancZe you didn't know? If such a strange event were to happen to YOU, what WOULD you do? You know, IF that were to happen to you?"

Jason stared at her, wondering if she had always been so profoundly stupid, or if it was a side effect of the chemo. Yeah, that had to be it, because he clearly remembered her being intelligent once.

"Well?" She asked, "What if you had this whole life you didn't remember? Would you want me to tell you?" She blinked vacuously at him. "Hey? What are you doing? Jason? Jason!" Emily found herself propelled out the front door of Jason's house. She swung around, "What did you do that for?"

He asked with scorn: "You want to know what I would do IF I were to wake up, with no memory of my past, family or fiancee?" Jason snarled at her: "I DID, you TWIT." And slammed the door in her face. Emily winced and made a mental note to take the writers aside and tell them to consult a bloody timeline, so they wrote plots that in some way acknowledged past events.

O O O

"Michael," Carly said firmly, "stop squirming!"

"But mo-om! I don't want to!" Michael tried to tug his head out of her grasp.

"Well, if you had stopped running away like you promised, then you wouldn't have to be tagged with a signal device with GPS capabilities. But you did, so now you have to wear this. Honestly Michael, Mommy doesn't have time to be tracking you down every two days, and since I am, for some unknown reason, unable to fire Letitia, who apparently couldn't keep an eye on you if you were glow-in-the-dark, this will have to do. Now hold still!"

"OW!" Michael yelled as she pierced his ear.

"Sorry honey." She examined the red tag to make sure it was properly fastened, then checked to see if it was transmitting Michael's current position on her GPS relay, which looked like a palm pilot. Sure enough, there was a flashing red dot on her screen, with the label, "Michael" and the address of GH, which was where they were. "Okay, it all works. Off you go." She patted him on the head and Michael walked off sulkily. Carly looked down at her watch, and cursed. She was running late. She burst into Sonny's hospital room, saying, "Sorry!" as she began pulling things from her purse. A compass, a ball of yarn and some aged Gouda all landed on the bed sheets. Sonny was likewise gathering things from the bedside table, upon with sat the Book. "Do you have an extra pencil?" she asked.

"Here." Sonny handed her one, and started. "Okay, so I calculated what the position of Jupiter's moons were in 1812, and I also checked traffic conditions. So all we have to do is work out the rest of the equation on page 850,254."

"Great. I picked up the Gouda, the yarn and the compass." They opened the book. "Hmmm." Carly sniffed the cheese. "Potency in the upper 100's." Sonny sniffed it as well.

"I agree." They made notations. Carly picked up the compass and determined their current position, then held the end of the thread as she threw the ball of yarn from her. It promptly unrolled out the door. Sonny lay in bed and waited for Carly to return (as she had followed the unrolling spool). Little over ten minutes later she came back, and he transcribed the list of places she had been.

"Well, when I walked out the door, I was definitely in Narnia, during the rein of the white witch. But as soon as I got by the lamppost, it changed into the Well of Lost Plots, and I followed the yarn into The Raven, and then out the chamber door. Then I was in Never-Never Land, and I sailed on the pirate ship to a land Far Far Away. We took a swing by Hogwarts, and then the entire scene shifted, and I was following the yarn through Arrakis. The Muad'Dib says "hi" by-the-way, " Sonny nodded in acknowledgement, "We then took a turn into London Below, and then out a sewage pipe, and I was back here."

"Wow." Sonny marveled. "I can't wait until I feel well enough to take the sequence down again. It would be great to see Peter again. Okay, lets plug this in." They worked at it for awhile. "I have ten." Sonny finished first.

Carly finished. "Huh- I have nine." They looked at each other, sighed heavily, and started again. This time they both got nine. "Right, so nine, divided by the sequence, times our current position, squared by the position of Jupiter's moons, is.." She showed him her paper, and Sonny nodded in to confirm that he had the same answer. "..then take the traffic into account, and the cheese, and then.." She trailed off, forgetting the next step.

"Then we have to put a chameleon in front of some plaid and divide the entire equation by what color it turns." Sonny came to the rescue. They did this, then worked the numbers, consulted, reworked, and reached a solution. Sonny spoke first, "So, today, we're fighting, but we supposed to lie to Michael again and tell him things are fine. Then I have to go to Jason's and make out with Sam, while you have a deep conversation with Alcazar."

"Looks like." Carly began packing up all the supplies. "Oh hey, I meant to ask, did you pick out which color you liked best for the bathroom?" she inquired.

"Oh, yeah, I did!" Sonny pulled out some paint samples. "I kind of liked the Scottish-Heather, but I think maybe the Summer-Heather would be better, because it will be nice after it fades, where-as the Scottish-Heather might be kind of dull. I could be wrong though."

Carly looked at the paint samples in his hand. "No, I think that makes sense. Okay, Summer-Heather it is. I'll pick the paint up on the way home. Listen, after you make out with Sam, and we fight, do you want to get Chinese from the place on the corner? It's going to be a long day, and I can get some on my way home from my teary confrontation with Al in the park- it's totally on the way."

"That sounds great- I'll have Max get us some movies, and we'll just kick back." They smiled, pleased to have worked everything out so smoothly, but then Sonny groaned.

"What?" Carly asked, concerned.

"We have to tell Michael things are okay, and I have no idea where he is!" He rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"No, don't worry, I tagged him. Also, it has this nifty feature." She pressed a button on the console, then brought it close to her mouth. "Michael, this is your mother speaking. Report to the hospital room immediately." She looked at her husband. "Isn't that cool?"

Stay Tuned!

I got mad again. Actually, in all honesty, I started this entire story just to write today's scene between Jason and Emily. I nearly died (from laughter and rage) when it aired. I mean, did NO ONE, in the entire cast, production crew, or writing staff notice how stupid it sounded? How could Steve not have said, "um, listen morons, this DID happen to Jason. The question, at the least, should be re-phrased." Talk about annoying. So now that I've written it, and (in a further burst of sharing) I watch only about 3% of GH these days, we'll see how long it takes me to get enough material together for another chapter. I hope you enjoyed it though!

..and don't forget to review..

I know, I'm being annoying now, but, on the subject of Jason again, is anyone else thinking, "huh, Jason is single, and (apparently) wants a baby, and Elizabeth is single, and HAS a baby...... SAY!....... I bet they might make a cute couple!" Or is it just me?


	3. Chapter Three

Yay! More vicious mocking! So I feel that something that should be here, but isn't, is the whole Dillon's Impotence incident. But after some attempts, I discovered that I could not make it any funnier. Any how, enjoy, then REVIEW!

Today, On General Hospital

"How could you Sonny? And how could you make Jason lie to me?" Carly's voice shook with hurt and anger.

"I'm sorry. I had to protect my family." They both took a shot of vodka.

"And why did you now decide to tell me the truth, I'd like to know.

Sonny sat next to her on the couch and took her hand. "I realized I had to. That if we were ever going to make it, and become a real family-" they both took another shot of vodka, "-that you needed to know the truth."

She sighed. "So what do you want me to do now, Sonny?

He looked deep into her eyes. "I want to know if you can forgive me for this, and stay with me."

"Oh, God Damn It!" Carly punched him in the shoulder. He winced.

"I know, I'm sorry. I _had_ to ask." Carly pinched the bridge of her nose, her eyes screwed shut. Sonny asked solicitously "Look, do you want something to eat first?"

She shook her head, then opened her eyes and stood up. "No, I better go do this. The sooner I figure this out, the sooner I can get back."

Sonny stood as well, "Right. Well, good luck." He gave her a brief hug.

"Thanks." She left, and Sonny began fluffing couch cushions, only to hear a repetitious thudding from the hall. He stuck his head out the door to see Carly standing there, beating her head against the wall.

"Oh, honey, I'm sure it wont be that bad. Surely it can't be worse then the time we had to figure out whether or not the stay together after I shot you in the head."

She turned, "What? Oh! No, I have to do this. The first instruction in the code is to concuss myself, so that I can see the fairies, who will tell me the exact date of Arthur's return."

"Oh, sorry." He grinned, "I should have known. Carry on." He closed the door, and decided the rhythmic thumping would serve as on excellent metronome to which he could synchronize his "Omelet dance." He hummed happily as he walked into the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Sam wrung her hands in agitation. "I don't know what you mean Jason. Of course the fact that it was my mentally disabled brother who accidentally killed our mother is the ONLY secret I've kept from you!"

"It is?" Jason raised an eyebrow. "Is it really?"

"YES!"

He just looked at her.

ÔOk, no." Her voice was petulant, but her eyes welled up. "You don't understand. I HAD to keep a secret. I had to keep the petal bloom of innocence in her life."

"I understand, just tell me the truth." Jason said earnestly.

"Danny didn't kill our mother." She took him to the corner and whispered softly to him, "Fifi did."

"No!" His heart twisted at the thought.

"Yes!" They turned and looked at Sam's parrot, sitting unaware on her perch.

(AUTHORS NOTE: In line with the principles lined out by the writers of General Hospital, people, pets and events will be changed at will to best accommodate plot points. For example, despite the fact that there was never any mention of Danny, we in fact now know that while Sam was risking her life, circling the globe to locate playing cards, hooking, standing trial, and nearly being critter fried, to name but a few things, she was secretly taking excellent care of her mentally disabled little brother. )

"She never knew." Sam shook her head sadly.

"SAY HELLO FIFI!" Fifi yelled.

"It's okay. I'll fix it." Jason gently took Fifi's cage in his hand. "I'll get her out of the country, and take her some place safe. Please, do TRY not to get into any trouble while I'm away."

"Jason, I wont have you speak to me as if I'm a child. I am an independent woman, and I don't need you too-" The door closed behind him, cutting off her tirade. Jason's phone rang, but when he checked the incoming number and realized it was Emily, he didn't pick-up. He realized she needed support, but honestly, it wasn't like she didn't know anyone else in the whole world.

Emily looked at her phone in amazement. He hadn't picked up. Jason hadn't answered. She looked around, half expecting to see flying pigs. Huh. She turned, hearing a noise, and saw Nikolas. When he saw her, he flinched, and started to depart.

"Nikolas! No, don't leave, I have to explain to you again why I did what I did!" Emily's voice was pleading, and she dropped down on her knees, hands extended, palms upwards.

"NO! I'm tired of your lies. I prefer to believe whatever notion pops into my head." Nikolas was unyielding. He turned from her and stalked towards the stairs. "Ow!"

"Nikolas? Are you okay?" Emily rose and walked to him, touching his shoulder. He flung her hand off violently.

"No, I'm not. I stubbed my toe, damn it." His jaw clenched, and he stared at her, then burst out, "And it's your fault!"

She bowed her head, tears streaming from her eyes. "I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you."

"Well you have! If you had just thought. But no, you just did whatever you want and to hell with the rest of us. If you hadn't lied to me, if you hadn't let Mary lie to me, then everything would be different. I wouldn't have had to believe I carved wooden ducks, for the love of God. If you had just told me the truth," he was yelling now, "then I wouldn't be here arguing with you, and I wouldn't have walked unthinkingly towards the stairs, and," his voice dropped, until he spoke with chilling certainty, "I wouldn't have stubbed my toe."

Emily sobbed: "It's true! It's all true!"

"It's your fault Emily. Because of you, this-little-piggy-went-to-the-market now has to take a trip to the emergency room, which means that this-little-piggy-had-steak is going to go hungry. God, I don't know how you look at yourself in the mirror!" He limped away, and Emily fell to the ground, weeping.

O O O

Jason sat at Kelly's, having just returned from taking Fifi to the island. He frowned, the entire trip had taken a bizarrely long time. In total, he must have spent a good ten minutes getting to the Caribbean and back. Maybe it was time for a faster jet.

Just then, Elizabeth appeared.

"Jason! I have to talk to you!"

"What is it? Are you okay?" He took her hand.

"No. I've been miserable. I've missed you so-"

DUM DUM DUM! WE INTERRUPT YOUR PROGRAM TO BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING NEWS BULLETIN.

"Hi, and welcome. We at ABC have just learned that despite the fact that we have news at 6:30am, 7am, 7:30am, 8am, 11:30am, 5pm, 5:30pm, 6pm, 10pm, 10:30pm, and 11pm, a disturbing new study shows that we do not have enough. In other news, the peanut. Recent polls indicate that a growing number of people have come to believe it is, in fact, not a nut. This, and more on the 6:30am, 7am, 7:30am, 8am, 11:30am, 5pm, 5:30pm, 6pm, 10pm, 10:30pm, and 11pm news. Thank you."

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARILY SCHUDULED PROGRAM, ALREADY IN PROGRESS. DUM DI DUM DUM!

"-much. It's like, I try and try, and it's never enough."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"It makes me feel worthless, Doctor. I mean, do you mind if I ask, would you kill me? Like, if you were a mob boss?"

"Of course Faith. Anyone who has gone through the trouble you have should be shown due respect. And you have to remember that. Despite Sonny and Alcazars neglect, you are a worthy kingpin. Just because OTHERS fail you, this does not make YOU a failure. Do you understand?"

"Yes, doctor. It's just so hard, because I feel like I give and I give, and nothing."

"I understand. However, I feel like we've made some real progress today, and I want to see you again next week."

"Thank you Doctor." They stood up, and the doctor patted Faiths hand, smiling sympathetically.

"You just hang in there, Faith."

O O O

"Sam, are you hiding something from me?"

"No Jason! How could you think that?"

"Sam?"

"Alright!" Her eyes welled up. "But I had too! You would never understand."

"Why can't you just trust me?"

"I do Jason, it's just, so awful."

"Just tell me, Sam."

She looked at him sorrowfully. "I have to go away for awhile," she sobbed pitifully, "the aliens are coming for me."

Jason was thunderstruck. "The aliens?"

"Yes, it's time for my next abduction." She wailed.

"It'll be okay. I'll take care of it Sam." Jason puffed out his chest, and resigned himself to concurring the universe, to help the delicate flower before him.

"Really? You would do that for me?" Her voice quavered. She added, "Not that I need you too. I can take care of myself."

He sighed. "Yes. I know."

Next Time, On General Hospital

Will Courtney Experience Perk-itial Dysfunction?

Will Lucky make more uncomfortable speeches of love? Or will he "surprisingly" reconnect with an old flame?

Where did Carly go? And what will she do?


	4. Chapter Four

Alright all-

VERY SHORT, extremely random addition to "Today," Sorry it's not longer or more chronological, but I hope you like it!

Kudos to Alex, for recommending that Fifi the Parrot be revealed as Sam's true father. I gave it serious consideration, but decided that cross-species technicalities were too vast.

This first bit concerning Georgie and Dillon relates to SPOILER rumors I heard about Brook Lynns paternity. I have no idea if they'll turn out or not, so just read it with a grain of salt, so to say.

**Today, On General Hospital **

Georgie looked at Dillon, appalled. "Are you...hitting on your own niece?"

"She's not technically my niece." He squirmed.

"Since what, yesterday?" She said incredulously. "Either way, it's icky."

"Look, it's not my fault." He said desperately.

"I know. Dillon, I know. But it still makes me ill. I'm sorry. I have to leave and join the WSB. Something's wrong in this town, and I have to find out what it is."

"You're imagining it. Please, don't go."

Just then, Lucas came around the corner. "Say, Georgie, Dillon. Have you ever noticed how hot my sister Carly is? Do you think, since we're not technically related, she might go for me?"

"Go Georgie. Fly." Dillon flung an arm over his eyes. "And may god be with you." He sobbed.

"I'll return once I find out what the cause of this strange interfamily pairings!" She flung her cape over her shoulder. "Up, up and away!"

OOO

Meanwhile, outside Kelly's, Carly and Elizabeth had found a cause they could both get behind.

"Vote yes on 47!" Carly yelled, passing out flyers.

"Ban stairs! Vote yes on 47!" Liz passed pens out to the many women in line, waiting to register.

"Port Charles has the highest incidences of stair related injuries and fatalities in the world. Statistically, 70 of female residents has, or will, fall down a flight of stairs while they reside here. If you are pregnant, this increases to 150! No more! BAN STAIRS! Vote yes!" Carly and Elizabeth took turns imparting their wisdom.

Sam stepped forward. "I'm all for it, but, what will there be instead?"

"Ramps." They replied.

Courtney walked up. "Is it just me, or is the rate of pregnancy and miscarriage also the highest in the world in PC?"

Liz nodded. "It's the power lines."

OOO

"But Jax, why would you think I was avoiding sleeping with you?" She blinked at him.

"Hmm. The instant you win the bet, you decide to get a foster child. Who will need constant supervision, to live with you in your house, which has one bedroom, partitioned off by an empty, clearly see-through bookshelf." He pointed out.

"Uh huh?" She blinked.

"So..." He tried to clarify. "We'll never be alone."

"Rightttt...." He brows drew together with confusion.

"And we wont be able to sleep together..."

She blinked. "Bit why would you think that means I don't want to sleep with you?"

"Uh..."

"Maybe I'm being kind and just and saving all the innocent, fuzzy orphan children. Did you ever think of that?"

Jax sighed, looking over her shoulder, he checked his teeth in the mirror. "Here's an idea Courtney. What with you having millions of dollars now, maybe you could get, I don't know, a _two_-bedroom apartment or something."

"But I love my open spaces and beige!"

"Yes, but if you had a house with separate bedrooms, then we could sleep together." He pointed out.

"But Jax, how will we sleep together if you're in a different bedroom." She stared at him... then blinked.

TBC

So, by the way, ARE Carly and Lucas biologically related? I seem to think that Lucas isn't Bobbies biological son, but Tony's. Any corrections, explantions, thoughts, etc? 


	5. Chapter Five

Dear General Hospital Writing Team-

I know, you're embarrassed. It's hard to ask for help. You dig yourself into a hole, and then you don't know how to get out. But I'm offering. Clearly you're in trouble, and I can help. I mean, look at all the material I have here. And I'm not even trying. I could write your stories for you. No one has to know, just e-mail me; we'll work something out.

Today, On General Hospital 

The situation was tense, Helena had a knife, and her back was unquestionably to the wall. What would a woman with nothing to lose do? Take a hostage of course. In a lighting move, she had dragged Alexis to her, placing the knife across her throat.

"Helena! Give it up; you're in the middle of the hospital! You'll never get away."

Nikolas' voice was desperate, his desire to save his aunt strong.

"I think you are wrong, my dear boy. This is General Hospital, where if there is someone in need of medical care, guidance or proper medication, no such thing will happen. I know for a fact that young Dr. Webber is busy, and Nurse Webber will never leave her cart of pills again."

"There are other Doctors!" Nik bluffed.

"Are there? When was the last time you saw Tony? Bobbie doesn't exist from one scene to the next, so she's no threat. Alan and Monica never leave home, and that silly fiancé of yours is still in 'medical school.' There are no orderlies, no patients, nobody. You don't honestly think it's' a coincidence do you? I planned it. I planned it all!" She laughed wickedly, "No one can stop me!" She dragged Alexis down the empty corridors to the elevator.

The doors opened, revealing a stunned Ric. "Alexis!" He rushed to save her, pulling her away from Psycho Granny, who, shockingly spry for a woman of her advanced years, escaped.

Thankfully, she returned but hours later in another attempt to do Emily in. Emily was unable to fend her off, because of the steroids she had clearly been taking, and Nikolas was forced to intervene, sending Helena plunging down the cliff side.

"She must be dead." Emily exclaimed, naively hopeful. Not wanting to crush her childlike innocence, Nikolas pretended to agree, not mentioning what she SHOULD have recalled, which was that, for a time, Stefan, Starvos, Luke, Laura… Well, the entire population of Port Charles, "must be dead" at one point or another. Notably himself, twice. But he loved her, so he patted her gently on the head instead.

OOO

Sonny answered his cell phone distractedly, but snapped too at the sound of Carly's voice. "Carly, I've been waiting to hear from you. Are we staying together or not? I have some tax forms I have to fill out and…"

"I don't know." She sounded resigned,

He sighed knowingly. "Code to vague?"

"Not exactly. The codebook self-destructed. It said something about maximum number of consultations and burst into flames. I assume the powers that be will send a new one along, but until then, I have no idea."

"Well, that's a bit of a conundrum." He thought for a moment. "Where are you?"

It was her turn to sigh. "I'm at the hospital."

"What? Why, are you alright?"

"Yeah. I set fire to Ric's place, you know, to destroy evidence? And with in two seconds the entire room is in flames. It's like it was covered in gasoline or something. Anyway, the door mysteriously locked." She rolled her eyes, "and I tripped and fell and hit my head. So Steven comes bursting in, drags me out, and then goes back in. But because we live in Murphy land, the ceiling caves in. I swear, Ric's apartment must be made of paper. Who ever heard of a ceiling caving in when it hasn't even been touched by flame?"

"Well, I'm glad you're okay. And, at least with the ceiling caving in, the evidence must be gone. I feel like such an idiot, compiling a file with evidence of all my crimes in it, and then leaving it out where anyone could get it."

Carly refrained from telling him it had been an incredibly stupid move. "Actually, despite the fact that the entire apartment caught fire in seconds, and the roof began to cave in, the evidence is fine."

"Of course. I should have guessed. Well, you did your best."

"I'll call you as soon as a new codebook is written in."

"Great, talk to you then."

Carly hung up. It sure was a lot of trouble, making her life seem believable. She took a deep breath, and then went to the burses desk to find out if she could rent a room at the hospital, rather than commuting all the time. As she walked down the corridor, she past Elizabeth, going the other way.

Liz turned into Sam's room, because she had to comfort Jason with grim foretellings of Sam's future emotional state.

"Hey Jase. How are you?"

"Elizabeth," He stood, "this is a surprise."

"Well, I needed to come a smooth the way for you and Sam. The writers want to show that there's nothing more than friendship between us, to clear the way for your new relationship, while taunting our fans."

"Didn't you just get through doing the same thing with you and Ric?"

"Yeah." She sat down, took off her left shoe and rubbed the arch. "It's been a long day."

He nodded sympathetically. "For me too. I just had to create all kinds of tension. Well, whenever you're ready."

She put her shoe back on. "So, when Sam wakes up, she'll be depressed, she'll need you, you're support, your, insert pause, kindness, love, blah blah blah, I had a baby, I know what I'm talking about, etc etc etc."

"Cue interruption. Not that I'm not sympathetic to your loss," Jason pointed at the sympathetic face he was making, "But I have to make my loyalty to Sam blatant by interrupting for her own well being."

"Cool. We'll do this again soon."

"Sure, see you later." She turned out of the room. Maybe she'd become a doctor, since she had breezed right through her nurse training. She contemplated visiting Cameron in daycare, but shrugged it off; she had to go lend a kind ear to Emily's latest issues.

OOO

Laura sat in her chair, rocking back and forth. Let Heather think she had kidnapped her, let Heather think she was hiding Laura, but Laura knew better. She was wearing a cloak of invisibility. It didn't matter what she did, where she sat, nothing. No one ever saw her. It was thrilling. Soon, as soon as she was down getting her hair done, she was going to find a bathroom. She hadn't really had to go, since no one was feeding her or giving her water, but still, eventually, nature did call.

After she went to the bathroom, she was going to break through Helena's force field, which would allow medical practitioners outside the Webber family to enter the hospital. If everyone in town was going to be ill, and Steven Webber had been hurt, they were going to need someone other than Elizabeth working there.

OOO

Carly would have understood the reason for the fast spread of fire had she known that Georgie and Dillon had been making one last, desperate attempt to consummate their love. Naturally, a fire had to break out in the apartment below.

And if only Laura could have known that it wasn't the force field preventing the doctors from reaching General Hospital, but another, more sinister evil. Monica, Allen, and Bobbie had been trapped, it was true, but so had Lois, Lorenzo, Ned, Mac, and Felicia. They had all been sucked into back-story hell, allowed out for only six or seven lines a week. Liz had escaped only because she needed to play second fiddle in any number of plots.

Next Time, On General Hospital 

Luke remembers he has a daughter!

Connor-gate reaches new heights!

Courtney is given another foster child, but this time it's an attractive late 20's-early 30's brain damaged hit man who- oh- wait….

REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW (please?)


	6. Chapter Six

Finally, an update I can be proud of. My mom walked into our living room yesterday and found me cracking up. She asked me what we so funny, and, I swear, I go, "me…" Ever the modest one am I. But hopefully if I thought this was good, you'll agree, be sure and tell me so though.

** Today, On General Hospital **

** Part 6 **

"Mom!" Georgie screamed. "Come quick! It's Maxie!"

The role of Maxie Jones will now be played by: Trendie My-Salary-stretched-the-GH-budget

Felicia flew into the room. "Oh my god! Maxie!"

The role of Felicia Scorpio will now be played by: Freak-lookalike Cheaper-than-the-original-who-GH-mysteriously-could-not-afford-to-give-a-contract

"Oh Maxie! Hold on!" Georgie cried.

"Mac! Call an ambulance!" Felicia trembled with fear as she looked down at her beloved daughter. How could she bear to go through this…again? She looked on as Georgie lovingly rocked her sister. The minutes stretched by as they waited for the paramedics. When they finally arrived, Maxie was still unconscious. They loaded the girl into the ambulance, her family looking on. "I'm going with Maxie in the ambulance. Mac, you bring the car."

"What about me?" Georgie asked.

"You need to go for that super important job interview at the never before mentioned but much loved pizza shack. I would never forgive my self if you lost a job to sit at your sisters potential death bed."

"Okay then. I'll just call Dillon, because interviews always go better with company."

As his wife and daughter disappeared, Mac called Bobbie, letting her know the news.

"What! Mac, no, not BJ's heart!" Bobbie's lip quivered, and Carly hugged her, wondering what was going on. Bobbie hung up the phone. "I have to go, Maxie's in the hospital, with heart problems."

"Oh mama, I hope every thing's alright."

"So do I, Carly, so do I."

Carly walked her mother out, then walked back into…um… she looked at her hand, where it said in neat print. "You are married to Lorenzo Alcazar, and are currently residing with him at his country estate." That's right. It was so hard to keep track. After the original codebook had broken, she and Sonny had been at a loss to figure out what they were supposed to be doing. The new one was supposed to be in the mail, but so far it hadn't arrived. There was a knock at the door. "Hi Sonny." She said, letting him in. "And- you." Carly's lip curled with disgust as Reese followed him in. "What are YOU doing here?"

"I'm here to help you find your sons." Reese replied righteously.

"But…" Carly was confused. "I thought- didn't you already?"

Reese's eyes widened. "Right. Sorry. I'm Sonny's legal representation."

"You're a lawyer?"

"Didn't you know that? Everyone's a lawyer. It's part of being in the FBI for a really long time. You get to slide out of time and get a law degree."

Sonny interrupted. "You're not my lawyer. Justice is. At least, he was. I haven't seen him in a month or so, but he is."

"So, " Carly said coldly, "If you're not a virtuous FBI agent, and you're not here to represent Sonny, why ARE you here?"

"I love him."

"No- there's more. I know it."

"There isn't."

"Is too."

"You like mayo on your fries- I mean, there isn't."

"A-ha! You're connected to my past. I know it."

"Hey! Look at that!" Reese pointed behind Carly and she whirled to see what was the matter. Sonny and Lorenzo stood peeing off the balcony, each straining to send the stream of urine further. "So what?" Carly said, "They do that all the time." But when she turned back, Reese was gone. "Crafty bitch." She muttered to herself.

Reese rematerialized at the hospital, it was time to be a super agent, dressed to kill fashion in her latest outfit. As she went to find one of the many pillars of society wandering the corridors, doctors rushed past.

"-Charge! Clear!"

"Georgie! My god! Georgie!" Felicia and Mac ran to their daughter, the other one, now too struggling for life. "What happened Monica!"

"Based on staring at her for a moment or so, I can tell you that she's suffered massive brain damage. We'll operate, but it may come down to…"

"To what?" Mac clenched his jaw stoically.

"Well, Maxie needs a heart, and Georgie might be brain dead." Monica looked sympathetically at the suffering parents.

"Are you asking me to CHOSE?" Felicia's voice quavered. "I can't- I just can't."

"We'll talk later." Monica and Tony rushed Georgie to surgery.

"Let's go tell Maxie, with the incredibly weak heart, who can't be upset, that Georgie might be dead and, if that's the case, maybe Maxie can live a full and happy life." Tears trailed down Felicia cheeks and she walked into Maxie's hospital room.

OOO

"But Lucky, you SAID it was okay!" Elizabeth's voice rose in frustration.

"Well sure, I might have SAID it, but that doesn't mean anything." His voice was petulant.

"What do you want to do? We need money." She reminded him logically.

"I don know." His tone was whiny.

"We could barrow the money from a bank."

"We can't, no collateral."

"How about we barrow it from you incredibly rich brother?"

"I don wanna."

"We could stay with Nikolas and Emily at Wyndermere and use our rent money to pay it off."

"That's a stupid idea. I don wanna."

She pulled at her hair. "How will we live then!"

A light bulb attempted to flicker over Lucky's head. "I could steal drug money. Anything is better than you bearing a child for a really decent, loving couple."

"Lucky! You're being unreasonable!"

"FINE! Take their side over mine." He squealed. "We'll just call off the wedding. I can't marry someone who has no faith in me and my manliness."

Tears welled in her eyes. "You're right, I'm sorry. Please marry me, and I promise not to try and bring intelligence to our conversations anymore."

"I don know."

"Please Lucky?"

"Well, all right." He sighed, "But only because I love you so much."

She gazed at him lovingly. "You're so noble."

Emily watched her friends enviously. They really had found one another again. Maybe there was hope for her and Nikolas yet.

**-At that exact moment-**

Nikolas clawed at Courtney's clothing, while she kissed him ravenously. "We shouldn't!" She said, breaking away.

"You're right." They kissed passionately.

"Wait!" cried Nikolas. They broke apart. "This is wrong."

"I know. Kiss me you fool!" They slid to the floor of the hospital roof, the rain pounding down upon them.

**-At that exact moment-**

Jax smiled, thinking of his wonderful wife. Courtney was so cool. He wuved her so much. They had been married, oh, 18 seconds or so now, and sure, the pressure of having kids was on them, it had to be now, but still, everything was, all and all, peachy keen.

**-At that exact moment-**

"It's not like I don't love Jax." Nik and Courtney broke apart again.

"And I love Emily." He nodded understandingly.

"I just like you, too much." ( ACTUAL GH LINE!)

"Me too."

They fell into each other's puppy dog eyes, steam rising off them.

**-Meanwhile with the Scorpio-Jones clan-**

"It's a MIRACLE." Felicia cried, as she watched Maxie and Georgie frolic like kittens. "Everything is good again."

"What?" Mac had gone to the bathroom, and was confused by the sudden turn of events. "That's amazing! How did-"

"It's a MIRACLE, Mac." Felicia stressed.

"Well, yeah, of course," he stuttered, "but, I mean, Maxie was rejecting her heart and Georgie was practically dead- how did-"

"A MIRACLE." She clipped. "Go with it."

"Right. Wow. It's all better. What a MIRACLE."

"Hey, Commissioner Scorpio, you know that guy we've never mentioned before, the high ranking officer on the force we've all thought was a great guy all these unmentioned years? He shot Durant. Should we arrest him or give him a medal?"

"Arrest him of course!" Mac lowered his voice, "and give him a medal on the sly."

"He's escaped Commissioner."

**-Surprisingly, at that exact moment-**

Maxie wandered into her room, where a stranger hid. "Oh, he's cute." she thought. She remembered how great the whole thing with Zander had been and decided to go on the run with the new guy. It had worked out so well for Emily, back when. "Hey, what's your name?" she asked.

"I'm Jesse." Tears welled in his eyes, "I've had a rough past, but inside, deep, I'm really just misunderstood. I blame myself for my brother's tragic death. Do you want to make out?"

"Fun! Hey, where are we?"

"We're on the run. Welcome to a generously appointed cabin no one knows about."

"Nifty. Let's have sex."

"Wait!" he pulled back. "What about your heart?"

"My what?" She looked at him, confused.

"Nevermind. Anyway, we can't sleep together. I want to make love to you for the first time with candles on a beach, with the scent of flowers wafting around us, and you'll bloom like a flower before me and our love will be the eternal spring which keeps us forever young…"

"You're so great." She chirped. "Quick, there's a MASSIVE hurricane coming."

Jesse choked on a strand of her hair. "But we live in upstate New York."

"And?"

"Right, nevermind."

Next time, on General Hospital 

A COMPLETE RE-WRITE OF JASONS HISTORY! WITNESS THE TOTAL DISTRUCTION OF YET ANOTHER AMAZING PAST STORYLINE THAT TODAYS WRITERS ARE TOO PROFOUNDLY STUPID TO LEAVE ALONE!

_**And that's not all!**_

See them randomly drop the ball on half the other stories! YOU WONT KNOW IF YOU'RE COMING OR GOING!

As if that's not enough! You'll also get this bonus parting gift before you stop watching forever!

WITH JUST A FEW SUBLE WORDS AND CLEVER FORSHADOWING GLANCES, THE WRITERS WILL CONVEY EVERY PLOT FOR NEXT YEAR! SEE IT TODAY: KNOW IT FOR THE NEXT 365!

TBC

Bitter? Moi?

Review Please!

D


	7. Chapter Seven

More mean pokes at the show, hopefully funny ones though. Unfortunately for the story, I've been enjoying GH more (not A LOT more, but still).

Hope you all like it, and show your love with reviews. )

**Today, On General Hospital**

** part seven **

Lucky leaned against his cane, impatiently sorting through the days mail in the dank front hallway that led to Elizabeth's and his apartment.

"Bills, bills, bills." He sighed. He had just returned home from physical therapy, while at the hospital he had seen Liz laughing companionably with Noah Drake, he had been pooped on by a bird going out to the car, his favorite song had just ended when he turned on the radio, he wasn't sure where his hair was at these days, and now, bills. Which was all he needed since the police department wouldn't let him come back to duty. They claimed was because he had quit three times in the last year, but he knew better. He was so sick of the entire… of the entire… well, having absolutely _no_ imagination anymore.

The last envelope in the bunch was thicker, the paper of better quality. He stared at his address, handwritten on the front. There was no return address, and no postage. Someone had obviously hand-delivered it. Maybe he shouldn't open it. It could be dangerous. Anthrax or something, he thought morosely. One of the neighbors wandered past.

"Hey look, mail!" She said chirpily as she went by. He gave her a tight smile, tearing it open. He didn't want to seem weird or anything.

Pulling out the enclosed paper, he felt a chill down his spine. When he saw what it was, he took a shuddering breath and had to sit on the stairs, tears burning behind his eyes.

"Lucky? What wrong?" Liz had come home.

"It's…" He choked back a sob. "It's…" Unable to go on, he handed the letter over.

She scanned it quickly. "Oh Lucky!" Her eyes welled over and she hugged him joyfully. "It's so beautiful."

"I know!" They kissed, softly, their tears becoming one wet stream.

"When will you leave?" She asked.

"Tonight. Now. If this is real, if I can find the treasure at the end of this map, all our problems would be solved. I could… I could have my personality back. I could be a cool guy again."

"Instead of an annoying, humorless, boring, whiny, spineless, inept twerp!"

"I know!" They laughed, delighted with the possibilities.

They sat for another moment on the stairs, eyes shining, staring down at the elaborate map which would lead Lucky to his old brain, pre-Helena. "If it works," Lucky added, "I'm changing my name to… Unlucky! Oh," a thought occurred to him, "Maxie and I stole one of your scenes at Kelly's, when you danced with Jason after I died. It wasn't word for word, but it was, you know, pretty blatant plagiarism. Sorry."

Liz shrugged. "People are always stealing our scenes. It's because they're too stupid to do anything original. But soon, you'll be clever enough to come up with your own." She patted him forgivingly.

"Jax, I need to talk to you, it's important." Carly's voice was strained.

But then so was Jax's. "Yeah, I'm having weird issues, too. I'll meet you at the hotel."

"Bring an umbrella." They said simultaneously, both hanging up before stopping and looking at their phones.

Arriving at Metro Court, each saw the other was inflicted with the same problem. A small rain cloud hovered above each. It alternately poured rain, sleeted and hailed. Jax was wearing a raincoat, and Carly carried a pink umbrella. What made it strange was that everyone else was experiencing a perfect late spring day.

"You too?" Jax asked. "What do you think it could be?"

"I don't know, but I'm really sick of it."

Nikolas walked up. "Listen, I'd like to hang out with John later." He said to Jax.

"I'm not sure that would be a good idea." His little rain cloud rumbled, then suddenly emitted a strike of lightning, zapping Jax. "OW!"

Carly tried to step in. "I know it's what Courtney would have wanted, but…OW!" Her cloud underwent it's own storm front.

"What on earth could this mean?" Jax tried to bat his cloud away. It zapped him vindictively.

Nikolas tried again. "It would really mean a lot to me."

"No" Jax yelled, "he's not a symbol of Courtney, he's my son, and you can't…" Jax fell to the ground as his cloud turned violent, a small hurricane enveloping his head.

"I loved her!" Nikolas cried.

Carly looked up from trying to help Jax, "but that doesn't give you rights to John- shit!" A blizzard erupted from her cloud, and the temperature around Carly dropped dramatically. Her hair and eyebrows turned white, and a pile of snow accumulated on her nose. She shivered, wrapping her arms around herself. "What _is_ this?"

Nikolas gave up, leaving the couple to their puzzled woes.

"How could you Emily!" Sonny hurled his drink into the fireplace, shattering the tumbler into a hundred pieces.

Emily wept, trying to pull him to her. "Sonny! I'm sorry. It was so wrong of me."

He shrugged her off. "I _told_ you that the "bubbilicious" nail polish would look better with your outfit, and you went and got someone else's opinion! How could you betray me like that?"

"It was a weak, stupid instinct. It will never happen again. I swear! I vow it! Love me Sonny, love me!"

He sighed heavily, sweeping her into his arms and dipping her in a passionate kiss. When they broke apart, he murmured, "Our love it too passionate, I cannot resist it."

"You had better try."

The lovers looked up as Jason strode in, uninvited. "I have taken the contents of the upstairs filing cabinet. I am now in charge. If you give up my sister, you can have you empire back."

The Greek Chorus: And so it began!

The Mustache Twirling Villain: I kill you if you don't give my empire back!

The Delicate Damsel: Sonny!

The Greek Chorus: Poor girl, poor girl, tossed so helplessly in the seas of love.

The White Knig… Other Villain: Not if I kill you first.

The Delicate Damsel: Alas, alas, alas!

The Greek Chorus: So delicate, so helpless, so needy, what could The Delicate Damsel do? She is nothing in the face of her tormented love!

The Mustache Twirling Villain: I am darker and more eviler, I will bring suffering down on you.

The Other Villain: But you have taught me well, my teacher. I can be as evil as thee. I want not to slaughter you, but I will.

The Greek Chorus: Doom, doom, doom!

The Delicate Damsel: I weep!

The Greek Chorus: Poor child of the tempestuous love. Her tears are a dirge in heaven, and the god wept to see so sweet and lovely and innocent a thing laid low. Poor girl, left with no choice before passion, naught she could do would swerve the cold wrath of fate.

The Delicate Damsel: I weep!

The Other Villain: Of course, if both were to separate, to simply give up this unnerving duet, no harm should come to any.

The Delicate Damsel: I weep!

The Greek Chorus: Piteous Delicate Damsel, what action could she take? Poor child, poor child, locked in the hands of fate.

The Mustache Twirling Villain: What answer can I give you- it is to late, I have already lain with her. My super seed will take her soon, and a child will be born. She is no longer chaste!

The Delicate Damsel: Well, actually, I was never really… um…

The Greek Chorus: awkward silence

TBC 

**…Next time, on General Hospital…**

** More illegal surgeries will be performed in sterile, fully stocked mysteriously empty operating rooms, while volunteers steal hard drugs from the hospital stores!**

** Port Charles patents it's incredible travel powers and everyone becomes wealthy beyond imagination as the world gets from here to there in seconds flat!**

** Review!**


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